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News Headlines

Post by doctorx on Thu Jul 03, 2014 10:13 pm

HEADLINES: JUNE 18TH, 2014:

THE HOUR: “MIDDLE EAST IN MELTDOWN.
Prime Minister insists there are “no plans” to deploy British conventional or extra-normal forces. U.S denies reports that TASKFORCE FREEDOM has returned to the Persian Gulf. Former PM calls for super-powered intervention: “I mean - hey – look - you know, we’ve really got to get over the idea that we’re responsible for any of this...” “

THE DAILY CLARION: “KRYPTONITE: THE REPORT THAT WILL SHOCK BRITAIN. Four-page exclusive on the new drug menace threatening our streets that every parent should read.” Reporters: J. Peters, B. Chancellor.

THE DAILY EMPIRE: “A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S MADNESS. 40,000 migrants from Faerie set to flood UK. (Go to empireonline/feyout@sgmail.com  to sign our petition for stronger magical border controls).”

THE SHOUT: “GOOD GIRL TART! Squadron H-Factor’s sexy Stacey unmasks and more in 100 Club lash-up!  Cor, what a crime-buster! See page 3 for details! (Photos courtesy of Shutterspeed plc).”


Last edited by doctorx on Thu Jul 03, 2014 10:19 pm; edited 2 times in total

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HEADLINES: JULY 3RD, 2014

Post by doctorx on Thu Jul 03, 2014 10:17 pm

HEADLINES: JULY 3RD, 2014:

THE HOUR: PEOPLE’S GUARD DIVIDED AS RUSSIAN TROOPS MASS ON UKRAINIAN BORDER.
Tensions in the Ukraine remain high following reports that THE PEOPLE’S (formerly THE RED) GUARD have taken part in Russian military exercises close to the Ukrainian border. Confusion surrounds the whereabouts and allegiance of Super-heroine, GUARD member and Ukrainian national RUSALKA. Ukrainian President Poroshenko claims she has “declared her loyalty to the new Ukraine.” Russian President Putin responds “RUSALKA remains true to her oath of fealty to the Russian Motherland.” Neither RUSALKA nor RED STAR, leader of THE PEOPLE’S GUARD, has been available for comment.

THE DAILY CLARION: CPS DROPS CASE AGAINST ‘CAPTAIN GLAM’.
The Crown Prosecution Service says there is ‘insufficient evidence’ to pursue historic claims of abuse against Barry Moyle, aka ‘CAPTAIN GLAM’ – ‘70’s children’s T.V. celebrity and former superhero. The former star and crime-fighter, speaking outside his Hertfordshire home, thanked his family for their support throughout his ordeal; “No-one hates the idea of kids being hurt more than me, but all this? It’s crazy - out of control. Someone needs to get a grip before someone innocent gets crucified.”
Mr Moyle announced he will be pursuing claims for damages against several national media outlets; “But any money I get will be going to kid’s charities. That’s what the Captain would want, and I’m still the Captain.”


THE SENTINEL: B.E.R.G. TAKEOVER SPARKS CONTROVERSY.
Opposition and Trade Union leaders have criticised the Government over plans for the sell-off of its remaining stake in B.E.R.G. plc to German company Überherrn Technologien. The Business Secretary insisted that the deal is “Good for Britain and good for British jobs.” Labour accused the Coalition of ‘hammering the last nail into the coffin of a once-great British endeavour.’ Überherrn CEO Klaus Steinbeck gave assurances of “a bright future for B.E.R.G; It very much features in our plans.” Unite national officer Ian Wadell responded; “We’ve heard assurances like this from Überherrn before. The former employees of the Russian and Australian factories they bought out in the ‘90’s can tell you how much they’re worth. We will be seeking an urgent meeting with Vince Cable and demanding concrete guarantees from Überherrn to safeguard the jobs and skills of UK workers.”

THE DAILY CLARION: ‘BELSTOW GHOST’ SEEN AGAIN.
Fresh reports of a strange ‘phantom’ terrorising the Belstow area of Neo London continue to emerge.
According to one witness who declined to be named; “It was well weird – all glowy blue, and flying through the air like it didn’t weigh nothing. It looked like it was made out of rags. It went after some gang-bangers who was doing over some poor sod kipping in the doorway of Morrison’s - a bunch of them ‘England’s Army’ scumbags. It seemed to wave its arm or something and they all went flying.  They took off towards the river and it went after them. I didn’t hang around to see no more. I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself.”
When asked about the ‘ghost’ Oona Knight, MP for Belstow East, commented: “I’d be grateful to him if I thought he existed. Crime, poverty, homelessness and gang violence plague the streets of my constituency in a way we haven’t seen since the darkest days of the 1980’s. It’s the Government we need to act, not some mythical bogeyman.”
The Neo Metropolitan Police are said to be keeping an ‘open mind’ regarding the reports and have urged anyone with further information to come forward.

Have YOU seen the Belstow Ghost? Contact our Hotline or email us on: www.clariononline/belstowghost.co.uk


THE SHOUT: ESSEX GIRL: WHY I’LL NEVER MARRY AGAIN.
SHOUT EXCLUSIVE: Glamorous gang-buster talks heroes, heroin and her heartbreak on discovering the man she loved was an animatroid. See inside for full story!

Plus: Join in our vote to find Britain’s sexiest Superheroine! See Page 3 for details! Or to see a lot more head over to www.shout3/fitmasks@shoutmail.co.uk

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HEADLINES: AUGUST 11TH, 2014

Post by doctorx on Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:10 pm

HEADLINES: AUGUST 11TH, 2014:

THE HOUR: TASK FORCE FREEDOM ON STAND-BY AS IRAQ VIOLENCE ESCALATES:

The United States today confirmed that TASK FORCE FREEDOM – America’s primary super-team, are present in the Persian Gulf and on standby to intervene in the growing violence in Iraq as IS fighters continue their offensive against Iraqi Kurdistan.

A White House spokesman stated that the TASK FORCE would be engaged only if Islamic State forces should demonstrate possession of an Extra-Normal capability; “We are conscious of our history here, but we are equally conscious of our responsibility to do all we can to prevent genocide.”

The redeployment of TASKFORCE FREEDOM to Iraq is likely to be controversial in light of its involvement in the Abu Abaddon scandal of 2004 that resulted in an ongoing Grand Jury investigation, the resignation of TASK FORCE leader CAPTAIN REPUBLIC and the conviction and imprisonment of two of its members – GUNSIGHT and G.I. JUSTICE, although both were subsequently pardoned by President Bush at the end of his term in office. Washington is clearly gambling that the seriousness of the situation on the ground combined with the extensive rosta changes to the TASK FORCE since the scandal may be enough to avoid enflaming anti-US sentiment among pro-Government Iraqis. New team leader MISS AMERICA stated at a press conference; “We have a responsibility here for what the United States has done – the good and the bad. Our hope is to protect the former and do all in our power to makes amends for the latter. If the Iraqi people need us, TASK FORCE FREEDOM stands ready.”

MISS AMERICA declined to answer a question from an unauthorised attendee as to whether the TASK FORCE was also ready to protect the people of Gaza. The heckler was duly ejected from the press conference.


THE SENTINEL: CHAOS AT PRESS CONFERENCE EXPOSES UKRAINE DIVISIONS:
A major press conference in Kiev today ended in abrupt and dramatic style that casts further light on the deep divisions faced by the country since the violent change of Government earlier this year.

A beaming President Petro Poroshenko presented RUSALKA, member of THE PEOPLE’S GUARD, whose loyalties had been the matter of speculation in recent weeks, to a packed press conference, stating that; “We are here to demonstrate the unity of the Ukrainian people and their champions in the face of extremist provocation.” However, events rapidly spiralled out of control as the Super-heroine, after a long pause, began to make a statement that seemed to be condemnatory of the new Government. The microphone was cut and security officers attempted to intervene, resulting in one being punched through a wall, another two thrown over the head of the assembled journalists and RUSALKA smashing her way through the ceiling and disappearing into the sky. Several journalists suffered minor injuries during the affray.

The Kiev Government later issued a statement claiming; “Russian infiltration” of the press conference and implying the use of animatroid technology by Moscow. The Kremlin has flatly denied the allegations.

The current whereabouts of RUSALKA remain unknown.


THE DAILY CLARION: TRAGEDY TURNS TO JOY AS TWO CHILDREN RESCUED FROM FIRE BY ‘PRINCESS JASMINE’:
A fire at a house in Southall was thought to have claimed the lives of a brother and sister, aged three and five respectively, only for the children to be discovered safe and well in a next door garden.

The blaze broke out at approximately two-thirty yesterday morning. The bulk of the family were able to escape, but the children were believed trapped in an upper floor bedroom, and attempts by both family and fire service personnel to reach them were thwarted by the intensity of the flames. It was believed both children had perished until neighbours found them sheltering in their garden, safe and well.
“It was a miracle,” said Mr Ahmed Obeid; “They were just sitting there calmly, playing with their teddies. When I asked them how they came to be there they just said Princess Jasmine came and carried them out of the window.”

‘Princess Jasmine’ is believed to be a reference to the Disney character from the popular film Aladdin.

Investigations are continuing to discover the cause of the fire.


THE DAILY EMPIRE: IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM REMEMBERS SUPERHEROES IN THE GREAT WAR:
The Imperial War Museum has marked the 100th anniversary of the outbreak of the First World War with the opening of ‘THE MASKED TRENCHES’ – a special exhibit dedicated to the super-powered individuals on both sides who took part in the conflict.

The exhibition contains propaganda posters, recorded testimony, popular songs of the time, personal artefacts including the Webley Mk VI revolver used by JOHN BULL during the battle of the Somme and the tricolour carried by JEANNE D’ARC throughout the battle of Verdun, rare archive film footage of JOHN BULL in action against his German opponent DAS EISERNE KREUZ (THE IRON CROSS), his controversial letter of condemnation of Field Marshall Haig over the execution of Lance Sergeant Joseph Stones, shot at dawn for casting away arms in the face of the enemy (subsequently pardoned in 2006), and a rare Mk 1 Mördertron, first deployed by Germany against American troops during the battle of Meuse-Argonne in 1918.

The exhibition is scheduled to run until the end of the year.


THE SHOUT: MASKS R LOUD: KRYPTONITE BOMBSHELL?
Are the minxiest Masks in music messing with the Green, Red and Black? How high does HIGH GIRL get? See Shout Showbiz for the full story!

THE V NETWORK (Online alternative news stream):
Interested to hear exactly what RUSALKA had to say before she went ape sh#t? Odd the mainstream media suddenly don’t seem to know anyone who speaks Ukrainian! WE do. Here’s a transcript of what was said before the mike was cut:

RUSALKA: “I will NOT fight for fascists! Remember the Odessa 40! Mama, Papa, I love you! You know why I do this! People of Ukraine, don’t -” (SOUND CUT)

“People should not be afraid of their Governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.”

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